Hellos and goodbyes

It has been two months since my last blog so I am, as expected, failing to keep everybody up to date on my life here. The thing is that too much has happened now to write down in one blog (arguably even for one book) so I will just focus on my recent trip to the Netherlands and how that is putting everything into perspective for me.

Disclaimer: this is more of a philosophical blog rather than an informative one on factual events so if you are not interested in my train of thought and the conclusions I have drawn from the past months, you are advised to skip this blog and come back for the next one! :)

Last week I came to the Netherlands with a Moroccan delegation for a Business Event in Amsterdam within the context of water, renewable energy and circular economy. So basically, I was lucky enough to go back home for a week to experience an event that I had helped organize. After this event I planned to stay in the Netherlands for a few more days to see my family and friends.

The event itself took place on Tuesday and on Wednesday there were several company visits for the Moroccan delegation and altogether, those two days were extremely interesting and - in my inexperienced opinion - very succesful. It was so nice to see something that I have been working on ever since I got to Morocco being put to life. Of course, I didn't organize the most important parts but I witnessed the process of an idea turning into a more concrete plan into an actual event. And honestly, that is really cool.

After the event and the company visits, I spent three days with my boyfriend, friends and family before going back home. Now this is the second time that I got to back to the Netherlands while I was living in Morocco and I have said goodbye to home three times in the past months (in January, April and now in May). The question I got asked a few times is: does it get any easier to say goodbye?

Truthfully, I don't know the answer to that question. Of course, I knew from the start that I would only be in Morocco for 5 months so that puts everything into a whole different perspective than if I would live here for a longer period of time or even permanently. However right now, I can also say that even if I know it's not the longest period of time, a goodbye is still a goodbye and no matter how often I do it, I don't think I'll ever like it.

This specific time is different, though. I think it's the combination of having come back several times to the Netherlands and the fact that the next time I will be back in the Netherlands, it will be permanently. So, instead of being sad about leaving the Netherlands, I started thinking about the next time I will be back and I won't get to see Morocco anymore. How would that feel? This time, the feeling was more double than it has ever been before.

On the one hand, I will never fit in in Morocco. I will never pass as a Moroccan woman and I will always be different from 98% of the people I see on the street. That has had a great impact on my stay here because it is the first time in my life I have felt like I did not fit in. Of course, I am lucky still because I realize that for many people, this is a feeling that they face every single day of their lives. I know once I go back to the Netherlands, I will blend right in witht he crowd and I won't have to feel uncomfortable or like I am being stared at all the time. I will be able to communicate clearly with whomever I like and I will know how to handle every situation because I am accustomed to the Dutch culture.

On the other hand though, I have learned incredibly much and I proceed to learn even more every single day in Morocco. I learn from the country, the people, the religion and the culture here every single day. Many people tell me: "You don't realize it now, but you're learning so much both profesionally and personally. You will probably realize it when you're back". But trust me, I do realize how much I am learning right now. I do realize that being in a country that I never expected to live in has taught me to get out of my comfort zone on one hand but also has taught me to become more comfortable with who I am. The fact is that when you're in a strange country with strange people and there is very little resemblance to your own culture that essentially all you have is yourself. Of course, I am not denying that I have fantastic friends and family that I can always rely on and call if I need a simple Dutch conversation but please believe me when I say that sometimes, in this situation, you're really on your own and in those moments, you learn so much about yourself and what you stand for. Basically: I feel like I am going through a personal development which I am afraid will come to a standstill once I'm back home.

The Netherlands is safe, comforting. To me, it kind of feels like a baby blanket right now. And I miss that. I miss the security and reliability of it all. However, I will definitely not know what to do with myself once I get back to the Netherlands. Sure, the warm fuzzy feeling will be there for a week or two, but after that, I will miss all that I have accomplished here. The people that I have met, the culture that I have experienced, the little daily victories and the bigger challenges I've faced; I will miss it all. Honestly, I am afraid that I will feel quite unmotivated for a while.

So, was it easier to leave my boyfriend, friends and family? Not really. It was just that this time it was equally as difficult to imagine not leaving anymore. It was equally as difficult to realize that the next time I will be back, that will be it. To know that the next time will be back in the same safe comforting and predictable place and I will not have the adventure I am used to now. It's really uncanny to feel like this, though. To feel like you don't want to leave but you don't want to stay, either. I presume that once I leave for the Netherlands for real, I will be fine. Or at least, I hope I will be.